It's hard to sit and watch the one person you've ever gotten close enough to share -everything- with drift away..  I pray to God every day on my knees that one of these days she will knock on my door, and just tell me "ok."  That she was willing to give it another shot... One last shot if it needed to be, because I know I would not mess it up.  I've had my heart twisted in so many places over the last couple of days that Its hard for me to even breathe... Sleep has become virtually uncatchable, and the few hours I do sleep I dream of being with her... Dreams of the first time I kissed her lips, or the first time I held her hand... Of the places that we went, and how they were only half as beautiful as the person beside me in those places... Of the extreme feelings that I have never thought I could feel that I did and still do and will never let go of. 

I will make this apology public.

I realize that I've been an idiot.. A fool.  And when I started messing things up I messed them up worse by being proud... By thinking that it wasn't me, it was you... That I was right all along... I see how stupid it was to think that..  I don't know if you'll read this but if you do think back to when we lay next to each other in a bed that wasn't either of ours... Think about when you said you knew that you loved me... That you knew that I was the one for you.. Your soulmate.. The one you were sure of moreso than anything you've ever been sure of your entire life... I am still that person.  I am that person more now than ever, and I am that person with motivations.. Something to fight for, and something to prove my love to.  Please be that person to me again.. Please be the one that I share every memory in my old age with.  My love for you is so intense that I would do anything to have you.  You know that I love you... You can never doubt it... I have made a lot of mistakes, but if our love was ever true it cannot fade... It cannot be forgotten, and it will not go away.  I know you lay in bed wishing that you could be with me.. that you could lay beside me like we used to.  Wake up with me every morning and kiss me goodbye before you start your day.. Before I start my day.  Think about me at work, and talk about me to your friends.  Say how much you miss me when I'm not with you, and talk to me for hours on the phone... I miss your voice on the phone, and I -never- thought that I would want to talk on the phone with someone as bad as I want to with you.  You think that it's too late.. That I did not realize in time and that i made decisions that proved to you that I did not truly ever have it in me to change.  I promise you on the very core of our love, on the passion that we shared with each other, on everything i have that you -have- changed me for the better.  It took me a long time to see this, but I realize how much I need you... You know your soulmate because its the one person in life who can make you a better person... We used to talk and you would say how I made you better.. How I made you think more of yourself... about how beautiful you are... You said that you learned things from me, and somewhere along the line we lost sight of exactly that... that beautiful thing we had for each other... I have learned more and desired to be mroe because of you than any other experience... Meeting you has been the best thing that could ever happen to me, and I am forever greatful for the person that you have been to me... I will never forget staring into your eyes... feeling your heart beat when I lay my head upon your chest... kissing your hand or forehead or telling you how cute, pretty, beautiful you looked in a particular outfit...  I've been an idiot, I made some huge mistakes, but i will never stop loving you, and I will never stop trying...

I hope that you don't think this is too extreme... You and I are the only two people in the world who know what we feel.  Even if you say that you are moving on, I know that in your heart you felt for me as i feel for you, and it is impossible for me to move on.  I cannot describe my amazement in you.  In your strengths and in your beauty... It's crazy to even think that the most beautiful woman I will ever meet would think low of hersself sometimes, but let me again be the one to take your hand when we walk, to show you that you have my affection, my passions, my heart... my everything...

We've had so many memories, and they will only keep growing... I know that we can look back at this time as the deciding factor in our relationship, and not the ending moment... I will forever be able to say, you are the only one for me, and when I was a fool I almost let you get away... I almost didnt see how much I had... But i see it now, and there has to be enough faith left in you that God brought us together for you to give me that one last chance... I will never make the mistakes i've made again.  I am dedicated to be so much more in life then i ever desired to be.. But i need you by my side... I need you in my life and with me on every step I take, and I want to be with you on every step you take... I want to be there the day you finish school.. To be beside you the day you start your own practice.. I've already seen you accomplish so much that it's incredible to believe that you are still so young.. You have shown me what it means to be successfull.  To be driven... and I missed ALL the signs.. The reasons... That you were doing all those things for me, so that you could be my wife and I could be your husband... I know i'm late to see it, but I promise you that I will work harder than you have ever imagined could be possible to fulfil everything in my heart, and everything in our hearts...  I want to marry you... I want to raise our children with you, and only two because thats all you want, even though I would be happy with more..=-p... You are my reasons for trying... just call my name and i'll be there with you, forever.. I made you a promise when I told you I loved you... You are the first and only woman I have ever said that to, and my promise to you is that I will never stop trying to do everything in my power to make you happy.  The things I've shared with you are so far beyond intimate that they shake the very foundation of my world...

I love you christina..

I love you..

I love you and i'm sorry, and I will make it up to you, I promise..

And now i'm listening to all our favorite songs.

Have you ever felt like your chest exploded?

Have you ever had it actually happen?

She told me it's over... She said there's nothing I can do to fix it.

"Title."

I will never stop loving you, Christina Lynn Faidley.

And... he's back.

This is the hardest time I've ever had to deal with in my life.  Things over the last year and a half have been great, an uphill ride that I never thought would end... but within just the last two months it seems like every single thing I built my future on has collapsed around me.  The woman who I love with all of my heart is no longer sure of me.  I always thought that this would probably happen to me because I dont really have it all figured out, and I have a hard time moving forward at a pace like everyone else.  The only thing I can even do anymore is think about how much I miss her.

I get sick every day now, and not just sad.. I mean sick, like throwing up most of the times.  I've felt the pain of friends turning their backs on me and giving up, but I've never felt it so hard and so thoroughly.  I've never had every aspect of my life turned around & upside down and handed back to me. 

Im not quite sure where to go from here, all I know really is I still am madly in love, and the longer it goes unanswered the lower and lower  I will sink... I've almost given up, pray for me.

It's been too long since i've updated this.. I promise to soon.

For the woman I love.

Your vision charms the heavens,
And falls in grace about you.
To cast a shadow over me,
And theft what words describe,
The nature of such beauty.

But being such a man as I,
As to be in love with you,
And foolish as all other men.
I shall attempt in vain,
To do what can't be done.

From what I've gathered in your eyes,
By staring endlessly in them.
I see a scene of older fashion,
Involving you and I.

And in this scene, though I,
Have dressed in but the plainest suit,
Your sight is majesty.
And in quite literal a way,
Brings me to my knees.

And there I stay, with downcast eyes,
As not to selfishly disturb,
The nature of such perfect form,
With my seasoned imperfections.

And there I stay, until your hand,
Cups itself under my chin.
To raise my eyes from glory,
To glory in your eyes,
Which there do hold my gaze.

Seasons pass within your gaze,
And what anxiety arise,
Is calmed by patience in your stare,
And the promise of forever.

So there I stay, within your gaze.
Wanting now in bare desire,
To let my gaze run down your form.
And as your eyes observe my want,
Your head nods in consent.

Yet still I stay, within your sight,
My soul now cast with hunger,
To seek what life may satisfy,
The passion of such true desires.
And then you nod again.

Now downward goes my searching gaze,
To find upon your neck,
A string of jewels.  So beautiful,
Yet dim within my sight.

And there so quick, before my eyes,
The dimness turns to dark.
Towards the jewels which gather there,
And cloak your gentle skin.

Still downward yet, my eyes do roam,
To marvel at your form.
The lovely dress, which holds you there,
So smoothly as you curve.

Then all at once, I'm overwhelmed,
And rest my head upon your breasts,
To hold you there within my arms,
And weep at such a fortune.

And there I stay, within your arms,
Until all tears have dried,
And creased upon my hardened face,
And on your lovely dress.

Your beauty charms the heavens,
And falls in grace about us all.
To bring us all from glory,
To glory in your eyes.